Armpit Armistice

Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Truth be told, it more or less drags its ass across the canvass of a person’s brain, but you know. It runs in the family. It’s a weird disease. One minute everything is fine, the next you’re  stealing your hairdresser’s tips and refusing dinner until your ten years dead husband makes it home.

I ain’t going out like that.

There are a few things. Artificial sweeteners like aspartame contribute to brain rot. Now look, there was a time I put three blue Equal packets into one large coffee from Starbucks, don’t think I didn’t. But you know, they’ve done studies and think that if one likes artificial sweeteners one might try something derived some a slightly more natural source.

Another thing that is a contributing factor is the aluminum cans in which those delicious, cold and refreshing sodas are portioned into. The heavy metal might make its way into your blood and settle into the intricate crevices of brain matter and eat holes into it. We don’t want that. If you drink soda, buy bottles.

That’s a common denominator between my grandmother and great-grandmother – those canned sodas. Neither one of those hussies would be caught dead without an ice cold diet beverage in their dominate hand – both right handed for the record.

But do you know what really got my attention? They put aluminum in deodorant. You put that stuff directly over lymph nodes and thin, possibly abraded from shaving skin. If you go for the super extra strength you’ll smell like a Cabbage Patch doll for the rest of your life variety there is extra aluminum in there.

Because I intend to be leading yoga classes well into my nineties and I want to be able to remember my favorite poses, the names of folks in my classes and of course, to know where I am at any given time, I switched to the natural deodorant.

Natural deodorant glides on the armpit with a transparent slick like soap residue that is tactile then vanishes. Strange. There are a variety of scents; lavender, rose, thyme, ocean breeze and of course, cool spring. Who doesn’t want to smell like cool spring? I can’t decide if the reference is to the season, which is fragrant and cool or a water source, also cool, though sometimes possessing a questionable odor.

There’s this great sense of empowerment that comes from making small but good decisions for oneself. I had this good and empowered feeling when I switched to non-aluminum deodorant. Also I smelled a little bit like a trucker. No offense to truckers intended.

After teaching two yoga classes I smelled more like I’d been crammed in a truck cab for twelve hours or more with nothing to keep me company but a bluegrass station out of Minnesota and the best crumbs Doritos has to offer. This was a problem. I tried stuff. Lots of varieties and ultimately ended up with a to-go deodorant in my sizable purse. Reapplying seemed to work.

There was an episode of Dr. Oz in which a viewer shared her recipe for homemade deodorant. I am not a cook, you must understand, but out of necessity I got me to the kitchen. Totally worth it, too.

Then winter came on and I got lazy. We moved and I kept the spare deodorant in my purse. I wore expensive perfume which, hopefully, doesn’t contain anything that contributes to Alzheimer’s. Summer inevitably arrives, sneaking up on Spring as it does and my all natural and perfectly healthy deodorant choices remind me I live in a subtropical climate.

I go buy the ingredients and whip up a batch of spearmint scented armpit gravy. This stuff works like a charm. Now be warned, when I use it I still smell like a human. There’s the smell of the deodorant (the fragrance is lemony and sweet) and also eau de person. I do not smell like I just lost fifteen arm wrestling matches in the back room of the South’s oldest pool hall and cantina.

Here’s the recipe. You must add the ingredients in this order or things can get a little hairy:

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

5 drops essential oil (peppermint, spearmint, yogi’s choice)

2 tablespoons coconut oil

1 teaspoon white vinegar

juice from 1/2 a lemon (if you leave the seeds in it looks like a science project gone horribly wrong. Or mold. Or pods.)

You mix this stuff together and keep it in a covered jar. Let me tell you something; this stuff never exactly blends together. You just get a large Popsicle stick or small spatula, scoop it out and schmear it on. It’s kind of luxurious and there’s got to be added benefits to rubbing coconut oil directly into the lymph nodes, but don’t quote me on that, I’m not a physician.

Let me know if you try it and how it works.

2 thoughts on “Armpit Armistice

  1. Thanks Nickie! I have tried the all natural ones too and since I am a serious sweater, they just don’t cut it…maybe I will try the re-apply method like you or the deo-cream you’re suggesting. The idea of sliming a cream under my pits in the morning doesn’t sound great but if it is natural and works, I guess it is worth a try!
    By the way, just for more Alzheimer’s prevention info, I just read a little blurb that grandparents who babysit their grandchildren offset dementia and Alzheimers due to increased cognitive function. Pretty cool! I totally have my mom taken care of as it runs in my family too 🙂

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