National Lampoon’s Photoshoot

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Even though the Griswolds have done a lot, including that family road trip and a trip to Las Vegas, nothing says I love the 80’s family disaster-piece quite like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, a litmus against which I compare the dysfunction in which I thrive.

Dear Reader, if you’re not sure what I’m talking about you might be too young for my blog. May I suggest you visit a video service and get caught up on pop culture from a golden era. Let it suffice to say that National Lampoon’s anything is fraught with challenge, hilarity and the struggle of tangled Christmas lights. It represents our highest and willfully optimistic aspirations and the stark reality when our imaginings bear fruit.

The entire movie series is based on one man’s hopes for the best family vacation ever (under the different guises of Christmas, Vegas, Wally World…) and the challenges he meets along the way. These challenges (spoiler alert) prevail, leaving him half crazy and defeated if not even more willfully optimistic and deranged for the next time.

Selfies, for example, are something I have never gotten too excited about even though this is a medium some people are wildly optimistic about for self-promotion. I have not gotten into the strictly Yoga Selfie movement, though I’ve got a few pictures of me and a small contingent of kids under five years old practicing variations of handstand.

Yoga teachers and students use this medium to promote all kinds of stuff, even if it’s just an Instagram account. My Instagram @electricmala is the best account on the entire site with its photos of mala beads, cats and books. People don’t often concede to my claim because they are jealous of how photogenic my cats are.

Once or twice I considered trying yoga selfies to promote my classes. I thought it might do folks good to know I could wrestle myself into and, more importantly, out of poses thus instilling confidence that they, too, could learn stuff in my class.

But, no. Perhaps it is my astrological chart that causes this internal struggle between the wish for success and the wish to be left the hell alone that I have not yet ventured into taking selfies for self-promotion. It could be that I haven’t figured out how to work the camera with my toe, thus leaving me helpless in an arm-balance to take a picture.

Then someone started taking pictures of Yogis strapped in Christmas lights in yoga poses. My imagination is captured by the prospect; me twinkling like an elf on Dolly Pardon’s Christmas Special. I imagine making Christmas cards with a sparkly lit-up me in full lotus and sending it to all of my friends. Some of the Yogis had already had their picture taken and they looked great in a Christmas miracle kind of way.

At the end of my work day last Wednesday I went home, curled my hair and put on mascara. I went to the yoga studio where I got strung with Christmas lights like a well chosen evergreen. I notice an addition to the set that was not present in the previous samples of this style of photograph; a net of colored Christmas lights hanging on the wall behind me.

This must certainly contribute to extra festivities and merriment. It is both a background and a sentiment. Strung with care, I wrap my legs around each other and lift from the ground. I untangle myself and the lights to be re-wrapped for warrior one, a pose I think is certain to look marvelous with lights wrapped around my strong, powerful body. I light up triangle pose, too, for good measure because it is the unofficial yoga pose of Dragonfly Yoga Studies where I did my training.

I can’t wait to see the pictures until I see them. It is with a sinking feeling that I realize, like Clark Griswold, my fantasy lurched around on the playing field of reality and fell short. Where I am supposed to be sparkling, I see dull green electrical cords and a random hanging net of colored lights. Where I hoped to be reminiscent of holiday magic the effect is one of too much effort.

Obviously, I am not making Christmas cards. Perhaps it is me, unfit for the marvels of photogenia (if that is a word). I will say the best pictures I have ever had taken of me in any yoga environment is when I didn’t know the pictures were being taken, but that’s kinda the opposite of a selfie, ain’t it.

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