Screen Time

I sleep with my phone on airplane mode. Upon waking and coffee, the day’s ritual includes returning the phone to its open receptivity. Upon changing the setting, I feel myself lean back, as though to avoid the expelled pressure of withheld communications; the pings of incoming text messages bang around the quiet room like rapidly fired tennis balls shot from a machine.

I work in a restaurant where a family of five will spend a hundred dollars on dinner and never look up from their phones. One man sits upright and friendly, gazing at his salad like he a lost a bet, while the woman across from him shops for out of print tennis shoes on the black market. In the drink lane, from whence non-alcoholic drinks come, servers retrieve their phones from the front pocket of an apron with the same alacrity a toddler scoops a pacifier into its mouth from the dirty floor; scroll Instagram, Facebook, SnapChat, Pinterest.

I didn’t want a smart phone. I kept a flip phone not for economy but so I might spend my time well. I resolved when I got the sleek new device that I’d manage myself, would not become one of those sad saps eating dinner with a hundred people on Twitter while leaving my dining companion alone. I resolved not to text at red lights, no way in hell I’d take pictures of clouds. I wouldn’t consider launching a blog post from such a small screen – how would I ever edit properly? I would take no selfies, never indulge hashtags.

Dear Reader, with the exception of posting a blog from my phone, I’ve done all of that. I scroll articles about time management and motivation, shop for books about feminine spirituality and contemplative prayer, I post listings on Etsy and peruse the newest independently published tarot deck I might add to my collection. I use the Insight Meditation timer to keep me honest, so I actually sit in meditation for as long as I intend. I look up gemstone meanings and try to decide if I need that smoky quartz pendulum. I look at other Etsy shops that specialize in malas and compare my prayer beads to theirs. I wonder if there is a place for me in this online world where everyone writes and sells their specialty until there is nothing special except one thing – and that one thing has nothing to do with online.

I have thought about establishing business hours. I keep odd hours, proof of which is in the time stamp on this post, but that’s no reason not to let my students and clients know when they can expect to hear back from me. How about Tuesday through Saturday 2 pm – Midnight? That’s reasonable.

Beneath this inquiry into business hours, I learned that I feel queasy at the thought of not responding quickly to inquiries for fear of seeming negligent in business or callous in temperament. I don’t want to come across as some half assed, un-grounded yoga teacher (I seem to recall a very reasonable yoga teacher once telling me, “Yoga practice should make you feel very grounded.”) So when the volley of pings fly out of the phone, the cats and I respond to texts and emails as they come in. This, of course, leads to oversights, as my mental acuity is not its best before early afternoon.

I find myself feeling resentment and constriction around the very device which is meant to serve my business and, by extension, my clients. I am grateful for the work I get to do, whether it’s designing a unique mala inspired by a client’s spiritual practice or arranging a time to trim an out of town friend’s hair. I have noticed my inability to set boundaries around screen time has made it harder for me to appreciate and be present for the people it helps me serve.

The marvel of our twenty-four seven connectivity is that more and more of us feel severely disconnected. I know I do. It is also a time trap, creating a gulf between my aspirations and the ability to act on my hopes and dreams while scrolling a stream of motivational images on Instagram – learn it, live it, be it. Whilst falling down the spiral I swore I would not go, I thought I could resist the psychological effects of using social media to promote my offerings and wares, but it is impossible.

In a world where high tech and HD are the icons of modern culture, I long to let the edges of my world blur like the moon in a misty sky. Where the hashtag vibehigher, elevate, rise are prominent among spiritual entrepreneurs, it feels like a striking contrast against the primal urge to send down roots and become still, to take my seat on the Earth and connect with the energy that swirls deep in my spine. How can I ever #elevate if I don’t have anything to hold onto?

The idea of turning off my device creates an uneasy feeling, like what comes when turning one’s back on an addiction. The phone in my hand, the scrolling screen that trains my eyes and mind to read flashing images and respond to advertisements, is a device meant to improve our day to day; enhancing our ability to schedule, communicate, take pictures, and plan. But how easy is life if I can’t live it, because I’m too distracted by the device in my hand?

Interestingly, my Teacher is now on Instagram. She is using it to share teachings, post little practices and share insights. I love and cherish this because as a long distance student, it is a new means of connection I dearly appreciate. She talked about it a little bit in class and said that anything can be used with Consciousness, which helped me see how unconscious I’ve been around screen time, media use and online shennanigans in general.

Because Consciousness is the name of the game and I want to practice what I teach and study, I’m going to establish a day in which my phone goes on DoNotDisturb mode (this allows a list of contacts to still ring through) and I put a 24 hour restriction on my apps. I’ll use a kitchen timer to meditate. A notebook and pen for chapter rewrites (these will probably be the best chapters), for music I’ll listen to the radio.

When I return my phone to its open receptivity, it will be with the intention to attend to each incoming message and inquiry with the same level of presence I hope to offer folks standing right in front of me. When I post on social media, I aspire to come from a grounded place, so what I share might be helpful and, though I am loathe to use the phrase, Authentic.

To do that, I’ve gotta disconnect first. I invite you all to join me in this little experiment. I would love to know how it goes for you.

 

The Azalea Sutra

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The sun came out for a little while on Thursday, just long enough for me to think about going for a walk. By the time I cross the street to walk by the privacy fence with the forever barking dog behind it, the sky was cloudy again and a brisk wind reminded me it is still only early Spring.

My mood is elevated by the hints and touches of Spring peeking out at me. A pink magnolia tree, with petals strewn around its base like the red carpet at a wedding, sparks little shoots of green from its branches. The moss clinging to magnificent oaks is freshly saturated by the recent fog and is thoroughly audacious in its greenery. My sycamore out front is still bare, but tall and winding skyward. The camellias are still going strong, if not a little heavy on the trees, like they grow weary of all the wet weather and wish for sunlight to dry their faces. And then there’s the damn azaleas, pink and white in turn.

For every rose bush, oak tree, hibiscus –  the sago palms and gardenia bushes, there seems to be a hundred azalea bushes. I’m walking along with this light springy feeling in my chest, something like one might feel at the sudden arrival of a pastry stuffed with a light cream, and I wonder why those god awful azaleas are making me feel so happy.

It’s the pink azaleas that draw my eye the most; they’re a shade between bubblegum pink and the fuchsia that was so popular in the eighties, just a tone darker than what Sheena Easton used as her choice color of blush. The blooms congregate on these massive bushes, their green showcases the passionate blooms like the black night illuminates the stars. The white azaleas remind me of swans swimming among gentle waves of leaves, little handkerchiefs adrift of the hands of nature.

Whilst I power walk in my neighborhood, I take a stroll down memory lane. I remember the Azalea Trail painted in a pink stripe down both sides of the street where I lived in Mobile. To be honest, I have no idea what the purpose of the Azalea Trail is, other than to designate the rout that the Azalea Trail Maids must follow in their parade through Mobile. I’m not sure what their purpose is, either, but I bet it’s some kind of southern society I want no part of, especially the part where you have to wear a dress that looks suspiciously like those damnable Azalea flowers.

NationalAppearances

I remember finding leaves that got painted in the Pepto Bismol pink that missed the hue of anything natural by a few shades. Sheena Easton’s cheeks looked more natural in 1981. These leaves intrigued me, by either their misfortune or good luck, I’m not sure. I also scratched out rocks from the street’s pavement that were painted the same shade by a truck that drives for the city, painting streets, while all around my house the azaleas blazed.

Azaleas are synonymous with this time of year. The end of that interminable Mardi Gras and the start of Lent, for you heathens who don’t know what that is, don’t worry, neither do I. The distinct feeling of the the wind’s touch in the month of March whispers optimism, renewal and a touch of delirium from vitamin D deficiency. There is a promise at this time of year that is more Earthy than some far off mystical experience or promise of salvation or enlightenment. It’s the promise of life, to be exhilarated and frustrated with daily existence, to be disenchanted by feelings of monotony while holding in heart and mind the ability to enact the drama of your wildest dreams and most creative aspirations. We are reminded of the simplicity and audacity of life when flowers bloom, kittens open their eyes, the sky changes from sunny to overcast, a sudden thunderstorm appears overhead, sunlight breaks through the clouds. In an instant things can change, a small green sprout will surprise a branch with its happiness.

I love the Spring almost as much as I love the Fall, but I’ve hated azaleas for as long as I can remember. I round a corner in my neighborhood and must contend with seeing a massive wall of azaleas, white and pink and green. They are taller than I am, and I notice this sensation of happiness in my body, like bubbles or butterflies dancing. What the hell am I doing with this happiness while there are azalea bushes vexing me with their presence?

A green shoot of awareness juts from this barren branch of habituated loathing and I recall that for as long as I can remember, my mother has hated azaleas. Every single Spring she would disdain the blossoms unfurling their petals in abundance all over the damn place (admittedly, I use significantly more profanity than my mother ever has, expletives are my own). With that whole mysterious Azalea Trail business afoot in the Spring, there were plenty of azaleas to hate. She was reminded of her dislike around every corner, and she reiterated it often. Ironically, my mother loves every other flower. She can recognize different varieties of the rose, can root anything that has been alive within a decade; she adores the scent of magnolia, cuts plumes of ginger blossoms for me to put on my altar, violets stay alive in her possession. She once resurrected an aloe plant that died immediately from being given to me as a Christmas gift.

I am startled to discover I don’t hate azaleas at all. I think I might even be fond of them, if I’m to listen to the sensations I feel rather than the impressions I’ve adopted. When I see these bushes I think of being a kid in Alabama going to see my great-grandmother on Easter. I remember Spring breaks, cosmetology school, all the miles I ran in all the neighborhoods in which I lived. I think of this neighborhood where I live now and feel grateful.

This accidental little experiment made me wonder what in the hell other inherited opinions I carry I’m not yet aware of. As I make deeper inquiries of myself, my power walk slows to a pace more conducive to contemplation. After another block or so, I am heartened, because being able to discern the mental impressions and entrenched nature of thoughts is one of the purposes of yoga (and by yoga I mean meditation, not handstand in a bikini).

The mind can be such a tyrant. It knows who is right and what is wrong. Azaleas are bad, hibiscus are good! As someone who practices meditation with some level of regularity, sometimes the best I can hope for during a practice is for the grip of my mind’s opinions and judgement to loosen up, admit to being wrong, or sometimes harder still – admit to just not being right.

This moment feels like a little, but important, wedge between my incessantly thinking mind with all of its preferences and determinations and the mind that is a tool for care and creativity. I recently increased my daily meditation time, not by much and that whole “daily” part yet remains to be seen, but this insight came at such an opportune moment, bolstered by the bird song and other cliches of Spring. This stuff works, and I might add even more time to my sitting meditation practice to find out exactly how well. It might even become daily.

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Lightning Bug Lessons

I like twilight noises. I especially like the raspy lilting of cicadas and the throaty welp of frogs happy at night fall. As I sit in a quiet house on a quiet street in Atlanta, I can hear the steady cacophony of creatures beneath a twinkling urban sky; it’s early for night creatures but all the day walkers on the street seem to be sleeping. It’s just me and the alley cats, the crickets and rain.

After I arrived and unpacked, I went to the front porch to watch the day fade into that time when the landscape is in sharper focus because it doesn’t have to compete with the brilliant light of the sun. With my journal on my lap, I write a page about the marvel of a room in which I’m staying at the ashram during my trip to see my Teacher. I am in the room of a long time resident who is not currently home and the blessing of this is the photos, art and sacred objects in this cozy space. If I don’t have a dream about Jesus in this room, I can give it up forever, I’m just saying.

While I twirl the pen around my ear, a message winks at me from my phone. A car passes. A bird lands on the sidewalk then walks across the narrow, car lined street. I love this street and I love this ashram. As the stars come out and quiet descends, I feel the pangs of homesickness, like the twinge in leaving a lover at the airport.

To my left there is a twinkle in the bushes. It is a slow pulsation of light in midair.  I’m not ready to start having visions, yet I see it again; a yellow light, hovering and blinking on – off – on – and I see the silhouette of the bug it belongs to.

A lightning bug. I’d forgotten all about those. They are a relic from childhood, a legend like dinosaurs. We know they existed once, but don’t think about them so much unless they’re in a book we read or show up in a memory. But there it is, like a velociraptor tiptoeing down the street, like coffee with a dodo.

My phone blinks less artfully than the bulbous butt of this bug, and without thinking I open the screen and reply. While I text touchscreen letters onto a sleek mirrored screen the lightning bug maneuvers over to the porch, blinks again, then disappears into the magnolia bush. I look for him, my phone screen face down on the wood planks. There’s a twinge of regret that I might have missed befriending him while I was screwing around with my phone. As the shadows lengthen around me and streetlights come on, I know reality is never found on technology. It is in the myths of nature, the turning of time, and the breath of light we must pay attention to.

I stare at the street. I think of my cats, of getting to see Swami tomorrow, the novel I intend to finish editing and who I might con into reading it. I contemplate the Cats of Ancient Egypt exhibit at Emory I’ll see while I’m here and delicious vegan hotdogs with my friend. There is no order of importance to the catalog of my mind, it is ambling like the lightning bug in the bushes. Twilight turns darker and the night creatures grow louder. These sounds are comforting, like the noise from an air-filter while I sleep. The buzz and chirp of the street relaxes my mind.

I gather my journal and phone, but before I lift myself from the stoop I see that yellow breath of the lightning bug, brightly floating and friendly. He is the only one I see, and I wonder romantically if he is the last of his kind and what he does with himself. How long will he live, how will he carry on his lineage?

I’m in my comfortable, borrowed lair still thinking of that lightning bug. He offers the message not to become distracted from what is real by the murmurings and winks of the modern world; otherwise we might miss the sudden flash in the magnolia bush, the spark of realization in the heart. The lightning bug says we don’t have to flash too quickly, a slow steady pulse will do. And if someone isn’t giving you the attention you want or need, pass on by and keep doing your own thing.

I looked up the symbolism of the lightning bug. I figure if an animal crosses your path suddenly after a 30 year absence or repeatedly in a short span of time, it’s interesting to investigate what they’re trying to tell you. That sparky little guy brings tidings of illumination and the message not to underestimate marvels and miracles just because  they may have an uninspiring appearance during daytime hours. The breath is intrinsically linked with Light – the lighting bugs flash bulbs are created by a chemical reaction between certain enzymes in the presence of magnesium ion, ATP and oxygen. This is not very different from humans; deeper breaths = more Light.

“That which is night for all sentient beings is like day for one whose senses are controlled. That which is the time of awakening for a sentient being is like the night for the introspective sage who sees.” The Bhagavad Gita chapter 2.69